Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Im 99.999% Sure He's Hetero

And let me just say for the sake of clarity that if he wasn't, it would be OK with me. I'm just sayin' that based on mounting evidence, Oliver Briggs is the girl-likin' type o' guy. (If you're easily shocked, want to believe that boys don't notice girls until at least twelve, or are Brahm or Oliver's grandparent, don't read this.)

Take last week for instance. Brooks and I are sitting at the kitchen table when Oliver walks out of the bathroom with his head buried in one of my "Self" magazines. It's a health and fitness periodical so my curiosity is piqued as to why a five-year-old would even bother to notice it. Brooks, being male himself, is more clued in than I.

"Hey, Oliver, what are you reading in there?"

Barely looking up he answers, "Poems. This magazine has poems."

(The last time I checked, there were no poems but, hey, I could have missed one.)

Brooks leans over and says quietly into my ear, "That is the equivalent of saying, 'I only subscribe to Playboy for the articles.'"

The light goes on. The pages are filled with beautiful women with beautiful bodies barely covered with their fancy-pants exercise outfits.

"Riiiiight."
I whisper back with a knowing nod.

Using one of the parenting tools from my vast collection, I distract him with a savory morsel of food while gently removing the magazine from his hands saying something vague like, "Here - have a bite to eat while I put this away for you." No shame, no struggle, there you go. (My subscription is now stored up high in a closet).

You know, it's possible that Brooks misinterpreted Oliver's intentions. After all, I did spy some haiku in a similar style of magazine not two months ago. But then there was that incident today in the back seat of the car coming home from a soccer game. Oliver was blurting out, "Boobies, boobies, boobies," over and over again. But maybe I'm reading more into that, too, because when I asked him why he was saying it he simply answered,

"Booby traps, Mom. Booby traps."

6 comments:

Heather said...

Oh you are in for it!

Amy Winkel-Gois said...

jenny...that is so funny!!

BakerBloggers-Matt & Jenny said...

I think your alpha male child will be surrounding himself with the ladies sooner than you'd like :-)

Lou said...

This reminds me of a time when Vicki found Bubba walking around the backyard by himself saying, "Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis..." and when she asked him what he was saying he said, "uh, Venus! Venus Venus Venus Venus!"

Amy Winkel-Gois said...

ya...and it also reminds me of the time when I was in kinnygarten and used to walk to the liquor store for a bag of Munchos or whatnot. I would say as loud as I could (since I was alone and all) Come on, Dover! Move your bloomin' ass!

eugie74 said...

We have plenny more stories where that came from, eh, Amy? ;) ;) Ah, the forbidden fruits of childhood...