Sunday, January 4, 2009

"It Happens When You're 18" Part 1

My parenting philosophies are evolving. Maybe it's that my boys are old enough that they won't drown in the tub if I leave the room, maybe I'm getting older and have less energy. Or maybe my raisin heart is plumping out. Whatever it is, I think I'm easing up.

I want to develop my new ideas with someone whose parenting style I admire so when our contractor showed up yesterday, I started to talk. He was a family friend long before the remodel began and since then has become much more (though not necessarily by choice!) — marriage counselor, design consultant, comic relief, and shoulder to cry on, to name a few. Therefore, striking up this kind of conversation felt natural.We are in totally different phases of being parents (his kids are grown and out of the house) but I want to know how he has made it this far with all of his relationships intact. Not just intact but thriving. Look, I've never interviewed his children to verify all of this but I have spent time with their family and there are just some things you can't fake. He seems like the kind of dad who will genuinely love and accept his kids whatever life path they choose. I'm not so sure I offer the same guarantee to mine but I want to. Hence the evolution.

I pick his brain for a while and, as is his style, he's pretty open and honest. He doesn't feel the need to hide that he was young and inexperienced when he and his wife started having kids.

"How can my kids blame me for not knowing any better?" he points out.

This doesn't satisfy me. None of us know any better when we begin rearing children. As the conversation unfolds, however, I start to pick out what it is that I admire about him; what it is I'd like to emulate: he doesn't pretend that he has all the answers but at the same time you definitely get the sense that he's deeply grounded in his own personal and spiritual beliefs. It finally comes to the fore when he says, "Look, I think the Church has it right when they say 'Teach your kids correct principles then let them govern themselves'".

But there's something more, something you can't really learn in church, per se, or get from a parenting book: he really loves his kids. Not the kind that obligates a parent to the bum-wiping, night-waking, nutrition-supplying behaviors that come with the job — most of us can at least do those things. I'm talking about the kind you can actually feel; the kind that binds the heart of the child to the parent; the kind that engenders trust; the kind that opens a door and leaves it that way so that no matter what happens, the child knows they have a safe place to go when they need it. That's what I want to give my kids.

Brooks walks in during the conversation and wants to know if the contractor charges extra for the therapy. If he did, we'd have broken the bank long ago.


Heather said...

My Dad IS one of my very best friends and the LOVE I have for him, well there are no words on this earth that can relay it properly.
I have my own shortcomings EVERY DAY, but when he tells me I am doing a great job- there is no greater compliment I could ever receive.

Dubb Days said...

You once again reminded me why I love my dad. Heather just told me about your blog. You word things so well, it is like reading lovely and witty poetry:)
I will say, in my opinion, besides genuinely loving us, my parents have always made it a point our whole lifes to just spend time together. Talking, movies, hiking, road trips, jumping on the tramp--whatever--just do it together. Oh and our corny family group hugs at the end of the night growing up always helped:)

Anyway, I look forward to reading more about your happenings!! Hope you don't mind I stopped by:)

Heidi said...

Thank you for this post. You're awesome. The best part about all of his good qualities is that he doesn't realize just how great he is.