Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Capitulation
Found clipped to the pencil holder by the computer:
 |
| "I surrender! Stop the smug madness." |
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Who Am I?
Yesterday I'm looking down in the pan of tempeh and spinach I'm sauteeing for lunch and have a disturbing moment of self-awareness.
"Hey, Brooks!" I shout to the next room. "Can you come here for a second?"
A moment later he's standing next to me at the stove. I turn off the burner and face him.
"Look at me," I say. "I drive an aged Subaru station wagon, I have dreadlocks, I am at present eating a soy product in a recipe I got from Whole Foods (a destination arrived at in said Subaru wagon), I wore Chaco's to my massage therapy job today (a destination arrived at via combination of bicycle and public transportation). I employ the use of reusable shopping bags and bottle food grown organically in community gardens."
He stares at me waiting for me to come to the point.
"Bro-oks!" I demand, clearly distressed. "What has become of me?"
"You're hard-core, Jenny." I understand from the way he says this that this is common knowledge. Common to everyone but me, that is.
I have to sit down. After a moment I counter, "Then why don't I identify with those kind of people? In fact, why do they bug me just looking at them?"
He jumps at this. "I don't know, Jenny. What's the universe trying to tell you?"
Great. He's doing to me what I often do to him when he's having a strong reaction to a person or event. It's my belief that these kinds of triggers mark some unresolved issue that, if carefully and honestly considered, will usually reveal exactly what it is followed by an opportunity for resolution. I want to be irritated with him at first but then the curiosity over the underlying issue distracts me.
"Hmm," I answer, more to myself than to him. "What could it be?"
The answer to this particular question isn't long in coming. I have deeply held, albeit outdated belief, that the work of determining my path in life is best left to someone or something else that knows what's best for me but that that person or thing is almost never me. I have evolved over the last few years to the point where I can actually trust my judgment and inspiration to guide me. I am also learning that it's not necessarily a question of which path is best or right (a belief that often paralyzed my decision-making process) but rather which path resonates with my authentic self and respects the rights of other people at the same time. To make my own decisions without deferring entirely to outside sources has been a challenging journey full of insecurity, false-starts and poor choices. I have felt resentment that the ability to act for myself has not come easily. When considering my reaction to people for whom it seems it does, I realize I feel jealous. I envy their ability to charter their own course in life, even when it may challenge tradition or societal norms. This surprises me because when I ask myself whether or not I am free to do the same, the answer is yes. Even though I am currently living more or less in harmony with this idea, I guess I haven't quite married the old and new way of being; all external signs point to yes while internally I may still be struggling with no.
Hmmm. As my friend Bekki says, this is good information.
It's now Sunday morning as I write. It would be pretentious to say I have this figured out or that I even know exactly why I'm writing about it. Brooks comes into the living room where I am and pauses in the doorway. I look up at him and say as much. With his signature reassurance he says, "Just let it be what it is. Just let it be."
"Hey, Brooks!" I shout to the next room. "Can you come here for a second?"
A moment later he's standing next to me at the stove. I turn off the burner and face him.
"Look at me," I say. "I drive an aged Subaru station wagon, I have dreadlocks, I am at present eating a soy product in a recipe I got from Whole Foods (a destination arrived at in said Subaru wagon), I wore Chaco's to my massage therapy job today (a destination arrived at via combination of bicycle and public transportation). I employ the use of reusable shopping bags and bottle food grown organically in community gardens."
He stares at me waiting for me to come to the point.
"Bro-oks!" I demand, clearly distressed. "What has become of me?"
"You're hard-core, Jenny." I understand from the way he says this that this is common knowledge. Common to everyone but me, that is.
I have to sit down. After a moment I counter, "Then why don't I identify with those kind of people? In fact, why do they bug me just looking at them?"
He jumps at this. "I don't know, Jenny. What's the universe trying to tell you?"
Great. He's doing to me what I often do to him when he's having a strong reaction to a person or event. It's my belief that these kinds of triggers mark some unresolved issue that, if carefully and honestly considered, will usually reveal exactly what it is followed by an opportunity for resolution. I want to be irritated with him at first but then the curiosity over the underlying issue distracts me.
"Hmm," I answer, more to myself than to him. "What could it be?"
The answer to this particular question isn't long in coming. I have deeply held, albeit outdated belief, that the work of determining my path in life is best left to someone or something else that knows what's best for me but that that person or thing is almost never me. I have evolved over the last few years to the point where I can actually trust my judgment and inspiration to guide me. I am also learning that it's not necessarily a question of which path is best or right (a belief that often paralyzed my decision-making process) but rather which path resonates with my authentic self and respects the rights of other people at the same time. To make my own decisions without deferring entirely to outside sources has been a challenging journey full of insecurity, false-starts and poor choices. I have felt resentment that the ability to act for myself has not come easily. When considering my reaction to people for whom it seems it does, I realize I feel jealous. I envy their ability to charter their own course in life, even when it may challenge tradition or societal norms. This surprises me because when I ask myself whether or not I am free to do the same, the answer is yes. Even though I am currently living more or less in harmony with this idea, I guess I haven't quite married the old and new way of being; all external signs point to yes while internally I may still be struggling with no.
Hmmm. As my friend Bekki says, this is good information.
It's now Sunday morning as I write. It would be pretentious to say I have this figured out or that I even know exactly why I'm writing about it. Brooks comes into the living room where I am and pauses in the doorway. I look up at him and say as much. With his signature reassurance he says, "Just let it be what it is. Just let it be."
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Found on the Kitchen Table
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| "Dear Brahm - I have decided to be a mad scientist so I can get some money. From: O P.S. I'm going to sell my inventions." |
 |
| (On the other side) |
Sunday, July 18, 2010
These images reflect Brahm and Oliver's relationship fairly well. They are very close and like to be silly.
I also paid them to pose for this.
We were in the backyard yesterday picking raspberries when I went to get my camera. Their summer haircuts and sun-kissed skin are too much to resist. As soon as they see me they start acting goofy on purpose to wreck the shots. This is pretty much par for the course as is what I do next: offer a financial incentive. Since we've done this a time or two I know to lowball them at first because Oliver will instantly demand twice the initial offer. Since I know he's going to do this, I'm ready to refuse. I really want the shots but he wants the money more. So when I say, "OK, forget it." and start to walk away, he grabs Brahm and jumps in front of the camera with all manner of brotherly love.
I'm no dummy - I shoot like crazy because who knows how long it will last? They'll have a visual reminder in fifty years of a time in their lives when things were simple and unfettered. They will be inclined to remember when they got along and forget the times they didn't. Brooks and I will be gone long before their brotherhood ends and a photo will outlast us all.
Fifty cents never went so far.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Reasons I Love Summer
And not necessarily in this order...
10. Sleeping in, late breakfast, wearing pajamas until 10:00
9. Hanging laundry on the clothesline, the smell of my favorite fabric softener
8. Watching lightning storms from the porch swing while holding Brooks' hand
7. Mowing the lawn, the smell of fresh cutting, tossing them to the chickens
6. The anticipation of tomatoes from the vine, the stain of green leaves under my fingernails
5. Homemade ice cream!
4. Standing in front of the swamp cooler, its whirring sound
3. Talking to Randy and Colleen over the fence: "Well, hello, Miss Jenny!"
2. Long days at the pool, sunscreen, beach towels, the smell of chlorine
1. More hours of sun during the day, crickets singing outside the window at night
10. Sleeping in, late breakfast, wearing pajamas until 10:00
9. Hanging laundry on the clothesline, the smell of my favorite fabric softener
8. Watching lightning storms from the porch swing while holding Brooks' hand
7. Mowing the lawn, the smell of fresh cutting, tossing them to the chickens
6. The anticipation of tomatoes from the vine, the stain of green leaves under my fingernails
5. Homemade ice cream!
3. Talking to Randy and Colleen over the fence: "Well, hello, Miss Jenny!"
2. Long days at the pool, sunscreen, beach towels, the smell of chlorine
1. More hours of sun during the day, crickets singing outside the window at night
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Should I Be Disturbed?
My responsible self says "yes" but then the rest of me is laughing my arse off! When Brahm bought this set of fireworks the other day I overheard him and Oliver refer to them as "Barbie Launchers".
?!!
"Let's not really kill her, though, Oliver. Let's just see how high she can go."
"No, Brahm. We need to punish her."
OK - yes, I should be disturbed. And I am. It's just that this whole scenario is so bizarre to me since I have never detected any sadistic tendencies in either of them. Until now, that is.
Well, now that I think about it, I did discover this photo taken on the point-and-shoot a couple months ago...
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